"Lower Than Low"

Feeling all alone

How did I get in this hole

Cursed by painful memories that happened when I was 10 years old

Warmth from my brother as a lover

I can't shake that feeling; so cold

That used against me mainly to get a rise

Balling out my eyes

Cuts on my wrist

A relationship built on honesty and trust

Covered in infidelity and lies 

A love child that isn't mine

But I keep going back to you for some reason

At some point something happened in my mind

That trained me to believe that this is what was okay

That this is what I deserve

I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like

Because the one my parents had

Ended in their separation; forever hurt.

The times he would beat me

I thought it was a lesson he was trying to teach me

Calling me the crazy one

I felt like he was just trying to make his point

Trying to reach me

Now no one can reach me in this pit that I'm in

5 feet down and I'm holding a shovel

Dreams with you burned to ashes

A future with you shattered like those dreams

A love that I had with you felt like passion

But I confused that with my actual screams

Is this a hallucination I'm having

The voice I hear in my head is so familiar

But there's no way it could be

My voice of reasoning because he's no longer alive to see

What has happened to me all of a sudden

Started with so much, now I feel like I'm nothing

Wanting to take what life I have left

And use it to drink, smoke, and cut

Myself until that moment

When I take one last breath...

Dinner alone...

Even though you're gone
I still need to say
Why I did what I did
And why I acted that way
Feelings get lost
When you start to say
That we aren't working and that we should part ways
At a lost for words
My heart's turning cold
Trying to be strong
I'm trying to hold on
I just wish I could have said
This instead of this song
Now I'm talking to myself
Because you have moved on...

What am I missing
Between me and you?
What am I missing
Who do I turn to?
Now I'm eating alone
When it used to be for two
All of my nightmares
Are now coming true...

No one here now, I don't know what to do
My heart is so heavy
I don't think I can move
I know I told you lies
Instead of the truth
I guess I just feared
What it is that you'd do
Or the words that you'd say
The mean things you say you'd do
Wanted to call your bluff
Until the night you had to prove
That you were not bluffing
The things that you do
Now involve him
Because I'm no longer with you...

Incredible Women

Did I let a good one go? No

I let a great one fly

All I did was teach her direction

And pointed upwards to the sky

Told her that right there is her limit

And as soon as she gets that high

To go a little higher

She could get there if she tried.

Did I leave a good one hurt? No

I taught a great one pain

And expressed my emotions

And told her we're not the same

Told her that there's someone for her

Who won't treat her the same

But will treat her the way she deserves

The only difference, is he won't have my name.

Did I leave a good one lost? No

I let a great one find her way

Explained to her I can't hold her hand

And that today will be like so many days

That you may not understand

And though I can't stay

I am confident in knowing you'll be able to find your way.

Did I leave a good one with no answer? No
I let a great one think it out
Because though we would never fight
There was so much for us to talk about
Body language spoken loudly
But words coming few and far between
I knew she'd be okay
I just focused on getting her to believe.

Did I lie to a good one? No

I kept it real with one that's great

Told her that as much as I'm interested in her

I'm not the one she should date

Between the gap of age and experience

There's a reason we should wait

So don't let your love for me be distorted

By all of your spiteful hate.

Did I leave a good one confused? No
I helped a great one use her smarts
That underneath that ditsy personality
Is someone with a great heart
Great at getting "A's"
But with the streets not so smart
But she believes in her abilities
And that right there is a start.

Do I often run into good women? Yes

But I build relationships with the ones that are great

It's a combination of personality

Timing and morals

That allow me to state

That there was love there at some point

There just isn't that now

But all of you women are incredible

I just apologize for telling you now...

Your girlfriend's friend: What it's like

Okay I've decided to talk about something that I'm sure a lot of men go through but never talk about. I, myself have gone through this so many times that it's almost second nature for me to handle it the way that I always do, but not every guy in my situation may know how to.

I've heard from so many men "man my girl doesn't like it that I have any female friends" and I can understand that, and that's because women are bitches. Yeah I said it, women are bitches; mean, evil, cut your throat in your sleep evil creatures. It's not their fault, they just understand that what they have is a good thing and it's in their nature to protect what they have by any means, and when another woman is trying to take what is theirs they will kill that woman in cold blood at the very thought of that. Fellas how many times have you heard, "it's not that I don't trust you, I just don't trust her"? Well that explains their mentality (even though it sounds like BS to us men).

Here's a scenario that most of you don't really hear about, or at least men you don't really hear about. Think about the times your girl has had a homeboy that you necessarily weren't too sure about, you think he's actually up to something. The problem only gets worse when she tells you that there's nothing going on between them, and that she actually considers him one of her closes friends.
Now I myself have been on the side of the man, with my ex whose closest friend was a guy whom she's known since high school. I paid some attention to it but after meeting him I stopped worrying about it.
I have also been on the "her friend" side of things which I currently am on now and well IT'S WACK.

Fellas no matter what you say to some of these men to convince them that you're not going after their lady, no matter how many times you see him, no matter what she says, if he's insecure about himself you'll only be adding fuel to the fire. I have done nothing but try to be nice, decent, and polite more so for my homegirl but it has done nothing. 
I am used as ammunition to take shots at them which is unfair because why use me against her? 
Does it really matter why I'm friends with her friends on Facebook?
Why didn't you just tell me you didn't like me when you saw me?
Why bring my name up when you've never met me in person?


I've grown up with women all my life, and for whatever reason that I STILL can't explain to this day, women feel comfortable around me. But not like the "They'll sleep with me" type of comfortable, but they I'll eat a whole tub of ice cream in front of you without you judging me type of comfortable. This apparently makes men who are insecure uncomfortable, but what isn't talked about is how the friend feels. It's hard because as a friend to her you want to be nice to the boyfriend because all you hear from her is how wonderful a guy he is. But as a MAN you don't want to fuck with the person at all because they're behaving this way.


Like I said before, I've gone through this scenario many times so I know how to handle myself in it. I thought it'd be interesting for some of you guys to read about it and just gain a new perspective for the other person as this side doesn't get talked about often.

My Style of Storytellin (1)

Never been one to go to the best one/ more or less end up with the next one/ bored so I need to get with a fresh one/ but this last girlfriend was an exception/ lost in love so I lost my perception/ no direction unless led by an erection/ out here vulnerable with no protection/ lies and deception so they played detective/ mainly because at some point they felt neglected/ maybe not loved but respected/ check it..


I can honestly say/ that out of the four past relationships I've been in/ lust at some point has pulled me away/ but the love for the one that I was with/ made me remember my reasons to stay with the chick/ regardless if in my mind I felt she was a bitch/ telling myself over and over again/ "how bad could it get?"/ then I stopped playing pretend/ left the girlfriend for the one on the side/ and every bit of me except for the 6 inches of me felt that it wasn't right/ closing my eyes visualizing myself drowning in a pool full of lies/ time to realize...


It all started off with this girl Whitney who went to Skyline/ half Black and Puerto Rican so you know her body was right/ lived in Issaquah so her parent's paper was right/ a little ditzy so there was a little flicker to her light, not so bright/ but what I can say was that the fighting was light/ everything about us seemed to be cool and tight/ but I had no L's and no whip/ so she would have to drive to the Southend via I-90, a long trip/ I remember the time, me and my bestfriend went to Skyline to visit her and her friends at lunch/ kids in the halls thinking we're looking for some kid to punch/ but I'm getting sidetracked with the story I'm trying to tell/ and even though on the surface everything seemed so swell/ the water started drying up at the bottom of the well/ I met this girl at my school who played soccer and was a hooper as well/ a young freshman named Madeline from Queen Anne/ heard she was feeling me, at the time something I could understand/ so we hung out a couple times/ talk when we can/ that's when I found myself being treated like her man/ all of a sudden something short seemed to stretch over a longer time span/ that's when I got a phone call that had me like/ damn...


So I'm with Madeline when I get a call from Kellen/ talking about I need to listen to the shit Jesse Armstead is tellin/ now Jesse is bestfriends with my girlfriend/ then she says she has a boyfriend, that isn't me/ man, I don't understand this is whirlwind/ of lies, emotions, and confusion/ says that Whitney had him over to meet the family but I can't really be mad because look what it is I'm doin/ because my girl doesn't know that Madeline is something I'm pursuing/ I guess this relationship with me and Whitney is ruined/ transition/ so now that I have no girlfriend I kind of mention/ to Madeline that she could be the piece that's missin/ that's when things start getting kinda serious/ and at the time she was a virgin so I'm curious/ if she'll let me be the one but I'm fearing this/ is too soon between break ups/ no time for me to analyze the relationship before I take up/ a brand new woman/ what the hell am I doin...


Attracted by those beautiful blue eyes/ toned ass and thighs/ in my eyes I looked at Madeline as a prize/ but at the time it wasn't that cool that another white girl took another black guy/ but all my homeboys understood/ she felt comfortable coming to my crib, staying late in the hood/ gain creditbility so everything was all good/ I wasn't her first she tells me but it's still all good/ because honestly it doesn't matter that much/ warmed by the softness of her touch/ feeling like everything is good and I can't get enough, that's when things got rough/ insecurities is something that my last relationship didn't have/ I have a lot of homegirls and that would make Madeline mad/ then I would flirt without knowing it/ having to convince her she was the only girl that was keeping me glad, was driving mad/ accusations left and right, up and down/ rumors being made from people that don't even know me so what can I do?/ someones' little sister says I made out with her sister, how in the hell is that true?/ just tell me what I gotta do to convince you somehow/ that I'm not the person you keep hearing about?


Being accused of crimes started weighing on me/ I got sick and tired of people hatin on me/ like I'm cold as ice and people are skating on/ the happiness that I had with Madeline people are taking from me, now this is taking on/ a brand new shape, I need a brand new escape/ pissed off one night real late/ one of my sisters' friends is over and apparently she thinks I'm great/ well I can't say the same because honestly I considered her very plain/ but this would happen all the time until my sister would say/ "If you're coming to see him don't lie to me saying you wanna come over and stay"/ that would lead to a particular day/ up at my high school when this pretty young thing came my way/ I mistook her for a girl who's name started with an A/ then I found out her last name was actually Dang/ something about this girl intrigued greatly/ wondering so much about her, mainly why is it that she's acting like she hates me/ but she's giving me the time of day/ she knows who I am so I had to ask her name/ she said it was Stacey...


TO BE CONTINUED...