gutter dreams

Bills piling up
Need this money quick
Down to my last
Can't afford to even get sick
Another day away from work
Shit stresses me out
Gotta fill my tank
And put food in my mouth
Sister needs some money
How am I gonna work this out?
Because if her rent ain't paid
She's gonna get kicked out
Cellphone next week
Sallie Mae like everyday
Harassing my family
Even after they get paid
Lawyer fees
On top of legal fines
I'm so close to losing my mind
Got me thinking about buying that 9
And making someone's check mine
I'm on that red line
Close to the damn edge
I'm tired of living this ife
I gotta do anything for this bread...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

beginning to N...

She's claiming that she's ready
So many lies
Her heart won't hold steady
So she tries other guys
But that amounts to nothing
Give it the college try
Wishing that this will turn to something
Or blossom into what it's meant to
We'll see what happens after we end up doing nothing
What do you want me to give you?
A relationship hard to put in words
Feelings hard to describe
A passion pouring out
Unspoken bond
Sexuality we really can't hide
But outsiders notice it
We don't speak on it
But we know exactly what this is
Going all the way in
I'm giving you my all
I'm betting all my poker chips
Soft words of lust rolling off your lips
Slow winding from your hips
Holding on strong
But if I start to lose my grip
And my hands start to slip
Imma put you on
I'll put you in a bear hug
Feeling this rare love
How do I say it
If we're playing a game
How do I play it
I wanna express myself
But how do I say it?
I guess I gotta think it over
And get my thoughts together
Keep my composure
Emotions in check is best
And as much as I wanna be like "whatever"
This feeling is real
This beat similar to my heart's rhythm
I don't know I should feel
Can you tell me what is next
Probably not
It's just a guess
Man this shit is ill...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

$$$

I need some money
To help me with this grief
If I had some money
Sallie Mae would stop calling me
Because she's been calling
And harassing my family
But if I paid her on time
Her calls would be few and far between...

But I don't know if the ground beneath my feet is gonna hold
At any moment I might feel a shake in the road
I just keep on moving without knowing where I need to go
But if I stay positive I'm guessing that's how things will go...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

"gang greed"

Some say it's not about the money
So what the hell are we doing here?
Because what was told to me
And made very clear
That if it don't make dollars
Then it don't make sense
Because when times get hard
And days get intense
I'm gonna need my money
I'm gonna need my chips
And if that makes me an asshole
Because I'm concerned about my cash flow
Well then I guess I'm an anus
And I'm dumpin on you punks
That's as real as it gets
Until the day I'm someone famous...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

empty pages filled

We all have dreams
Some of them shattered
We listen to opinions
And rarely do they matter
So we keep on striving
Looking for something better
Bringing umbrellas
In case there's rainy weather
That's why we cheer when the sun's out
And cry when it storms
Then pray that Jesus will come out
But if he never shows
At least then we'll know
That our prayers might have been heard
I guess there's some doubt
So we hold on to the words
Used in Bible
This life's about survival
So many people dead inside
This is your revival
I won't say resurrection
Don't want a misunderstanding
No misconceptions
Of exactly what it is that I'm saying
You can't lose if you're not playing
So your voice can't be heard
Until you start praying
Or until you start saying
What's ever on your mind
I've seemed to have lost mine
So this time is for me to look
I'm in a crunch for time
Hearts stolen like a crook
Lessons learned in my life
My experiences are a good book
If you don't believe me
Then I urge you to take a look
And read past the cover
A book like no other
I love my life
And life's a bitch
So that makes her my lover...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.1

"Lower Than Low"

Feeling all alone

How did I get in this hole

Cursed by painful memories that happened when I was 10 years old

Warmth from my brother as a lover

I can't shake that feeling; so cold

That used against me mainly to get a rise

Balling out my eyes

Cuts on my wrist

A relationship built on honesty and trust

Covered in infidelity and lies 

A love child that isn't mine

But I keep going back to you for some reason

At some point something happened in my mind

That trained me to believe that this is what was okay

That this is what I deserve

I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like

Because the one my parents had

Ended in their separation; forever hurt.

The times he would beat me

I thought it was a lesson he was trying to teach me

Calling me the crazy one

I felt like he was just trying to make his point

Trying to reach me

Now no one can reach me in this pit that I'm in

5 feet down and I'm holding a shovel

Dreams with you burned to ashes

A future with you shattered like those dreams

A love that I had with you felt like passion

But I confused that with my actual screams

Is this a hallucination I'm having

The voice I hear in my head is so familiar

But there's no way it could be

My voice of reasoning because he's no longer alive to see

What has happened to me all of a sudden

Started with so much, now I feel like I'm nothing

Wanting to take what life I have left

And use it to drink, smoke, and cut

Myself until that moment

When I take one last breath...

Dinner alone...

Even though you're gone
I still need to say
Why I did what I did
And why I acted that way
Feelings get lost
When you start to say
That we aren't working and that we should part ways
At a lost for words
My heart's turning cold
Trying to be strong
I'm trying to hold on
I just wish I could have said
This instead of this song
Now I'm talking to myself
Because you have moved on...

What am I missing
Between me and you?
What am I missing
Who do I turn to?
Now I'm eating alone
When it used to be for two
All of my nightmares
Are now coming true...

No one here now, I don't know what to do
My heart is so heavy
I don't think I can move
I know I told you lies
Instead of the truth
I guess I just feared
What it is that you'd do
Or the words that you'd say
The mean things you say you'd do
Wanted to call your bluff
Until the night you had to prove
That you were not bluffing
The things that you do
Now involve him
Because I'm no longer with you...