"Lower Than Low"

Feeling all alone

How did I get in this hole

Cursed by painful memories that happened when I was 10 years old

Warmth from my brother as a lover

I can't shake that feeling; so cold

That used against me mainly to get a rise

Balling out my eyes

Cuts on my wrist

A relationship built on honesty and trust

Covered in infidelity and lies 

A love child that isn't mine

But I keep going back to you for some reason

At some point something happened in my mind

That trained me to believe that this is what was okay

That this is what I deserve

I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like

Because the one my parents had

Ended in their separation; forever hurt.

The times he would beat me

I thought it was a lesson he was trying to teach me

Calling me the crazy one

I felt like he was just trying to make his point

Trying to reach me

Now no one can reach me in this pit that I'm in

5 feet down and I'm holding a shovel

Dreams with you burned to ashes

A future with you shattered like those dreams

A love that I had with you felt like passion

But I confused that with my actual screams

Is this a hallucination I'm having

The voice I hear in my head is so familiar

But there's no way it could be

My voice of reasoning because he's no longer alive to see

What has happened to me all of a sudden

Started with so much, now I feel like I'm nothing

Wanting to take what life I have left

And use it to drink, smoke, and cut

Myself until that moment

When I take one last breath...

Dinner alone...

Even though you're gone
I still need to say
Why I did what I did
And why I acted that way
Feelings get lost
When you start to say
That we aren't working and that we should part ways
At a lost for words
My heart's turning cold
Trying to be strong
I'm trying to hold on
I just wish I could have said
This instead of this song
Now I'm talking to myself
Because you have moved on...

What am I missing
Between me and you?
What am I missing
Who do I turn to?
Now I'm eating alone
When it used to be for two
All of my nightmares
Are now coming true...

No one here now, I don't know what to do
My heart is so heavy
I don't think I can move
I know I told you lies
Instead of the truth
I guess I just feared
What it is that you'd do
Or the words that you'd say
The mean things you say you'd do
Wanted to call your bluff
Until the night you had to prove
That you were not bluffing
The things that you do
Now involve him
Because I'm no longer with you...

lord hear my cries

I'm ready to give up
I'm about one more step away from throwing it all away
Pride I keep throwing up
As I try to swallow that pill time and time again.
Facing jail time for lack of hours served
Mom's fiance getting on my nerves
Making just enough money for gas to get to work
Sallie Mae blowing up my phone asking for their money
And I don't wanna be on this earth...
Thought about robbing a bank real quick
Selling weed in the hopes I can make a quick flip
But I have a college degree so I shouldn't have to be on that shit!
Resume sent more times than called back
Wondering where all the jobs are at
I enjoy what I'm doing but I get no hours so part of me is screaming what's the point?
I make no money to pay these bills
The possibility of jail time is getting too real
And right now the only thing I feel
Is nothing at all...
Something's gotta give
I'm feeling dead while I'm forced to try to live
All I've done to this world was give give give
In the hopes it returns the favor and I'm still waiting.
I'm supposed to be known
I'm not supposed to live at my parents home
I'm supposed to be doing something great with my life
Not fuckin writing poems on my phone at 1AM.
I don't know how much more I can take
I'm just about ready to break
So Lord if you're listening, I beg of you to help me
I'm lost looking for a way to escape..

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Almost Too Late

The pain in your eyes is evident
The tears on your cheek are the evidence of an apparent crime
Yet time after time you answer that alarm
Fooled by a forced apology and charm
Completely neglecting the bruises on your arm
And the bruising of your pride, a pill you've swallowed before
In fear of what it'll be like if he somehow gets through that door
But your reach for more and more enable that activity
I listen to the excuses that you're giving me
Repetitive as they lack creativity and a convincing argument
I understand that the man was the one who started it but he's not ready to finish
Until your spirit is fully diminished
Empty of energy and fight
I don't know what it's like, but I do know that this isn't right
A story on repeat every other night
Soon it won't be you crying
It'll be us after he takes your life.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4

"Jaws Of Life"

I've suffered, but I know that there are people that have it worse/ but they can't speak for themselves like I can/ so in reality I'm really cursed/ because even though they exist in the eyes of those in power they are an abiss/ but I'm the one some turn a blind eye to/ you never would have thought the past that I have would be mine because of what I provide you/ well spoken, handsome, well groomed young man/ but what those on the outside of my life just don't understand was that the plan was veered off road/ "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" is getting old/ because it may not have killed me then, but right now it feels like it's killing me slow/ because there's things in my life that I wish I never had to experience, yet I know/ it made me who I am, I understand/ but am I wrong for wanting an altered life?/ wishing to find out what financial stability is really like/ learning examples of how a husband is really supposed to treat his wife?/ a family that is close knit and not shunning one side because of their constant silly shit/ but maybe I'm reaching/ so to some these words are teaching/ but to those exposed to these foes I'm preaching/ to the young women and men who understand keep reaching/ because you'll catch a break/ what's fucked up is that in this life you only get one mistake/ until you're considered a fuck up with no luck so some find addiction as their escape/ in that case they get a second chance until their chance to come back is too late/ if you couldn't get with that/ this next part you should be able to relate/ Two


Love in a sense is something so dense that it'll have you repent/ not for your sins/ but apologizing for your need to look for wins that'll defeat your counterpart/ your brain will constantly try to counter your heart and bring ya'll apart/ and it's not just you and another person/ it could be your dreams if your brain tells you that your ideas of this dream aren't really working/ one thing is for certain/ love equals pain/ because when you finally open up your heart you have alienated your brain/ so now you're completely suceptible to pain/ and your brain wants to tell you build a wall because the other side now has found a way to gain/ strange it seems that the one that loves you would threaten you that they'll leave but that's what love is as fucked up as it seems/ I've been there and sadly at times I still bleed/ that's why my brain only allows me to see the beauty in these women that's on the surface/ so a lot of these pretty women only serve one great purpose/ sex/ which ironically throws me in the category of "dog" so I guess that makes the woman that comes next/ a bitch/ because a dog wouldn't have sex with a cat, only another dog/ ain't that some shit/ so that makes the women of my past all bitches in that regard/ and makes these marks on my heart claw made scars/ love is beautiful, yet to get to that point is just so hard...


I'm tired of all these black people blaming the white man/ we've had to do the most just to get a little so I don't understand/ why you want to complain about a man's Health Plan/ when 6 months ago you were the one taking a stand to put President in front of the man/ on the front lines screaming "Yes We Can"/ that's the shit that kills me about our people/ is that we'd rather knock each other down in competition instead of finding ways to make us all equal/ and some complain that the change is all because we don't have anymore Black Leaders/ well we would if all you mothafuckas would turn down your speakers/ because we look to Kanye West to say what we wanna say/ follow the vague instructions of Jay/ and the saddest part is that our leaders aren't gonna be here everyday/ but hey, keep shaking your asses/ find pleasure in popping bottles instead of fighting for your passions/ allow Waka Flocka to give your 14 year old son understanding/ of what it's like to be a successful man, if that's your plan/ and to the men man enough to plant a seed but won't be there when it blooms/ I hope you die a thousand deaths every single day until your child comes up to you/ telling you that they never needed you/ even though they know they did/ because her dad was never there for her she's now 16 years old with a kid/ and I dare you to tell me that you didn't play a part in that/ when she accepts any kind of love from any man because true love is a concept that she's not understanding, so teach her that/ and teach your sons that they need to man up and never run when she says she's keeping it/ that's just a part of what happens when you're out creepin/ smoking weed and drinking Diddy endorsed Ciroc on the weekends/ rolling Kush because that's what the rappers are speakin/ or am I asking for the men to do too much?/ I hope not because these women need to teach their daughters that it's not okay to turn into sluts/ turning tricks on these mens' dicks for a couple of bucks/ give her something/ and hopefully it's confidence/ so that she can be ahead of her class instead of giving head after class as her accomplishment/ that's WHY THE FUCK I WORK WITH YOUTH/ because I'm trying to be the role model and example that these lost kids can look up to!!

"Underdeveloped"

A road side construction
reluctant to continue the build
probably because the build still has no blueprints
so we're guessing.
Destined for greatness while given every opportunity to fail
the beef I speak cooked raw still drips blood
random I know but it shows how scattered I am.
Under development as an underdeveloped overpass to the underground of feelings I bury beneath myself
that someone seem to continue to resurface.
Fuck...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.9

"From Up Here"

I watched from a distance

As the weathering of those bringing the storm tarnished your image.

The once declared beauty Queen now a meer shell of herself,

Looking for answers in the most unlikely of places.

I watched from a distance

As the rocks that were being thrown at you got bigger and bigger.

The once "most popular" kid in high school now searching

For someone to hold on to.

I watched from a distance

As the ground below you kept falling out from underneath you.

The once athletic volleyball player now as agile as a slug

Praying that she can hold on just a little longer.

I watched from a distance

As the past that once haunted you came up from the dead.

As the once secretive socialite

Hoped no one knew anythng about her.

But I watch from a distancce

As you wear your jacket and stand your ground

As the same storms that destroyed you are passing.

I watch from a distance

As you shield off those rocks that were once thrown at you

And continue to move forward.

I watch from a distance

As the ground falls from underneath you

You find something to hold on to and pull yourself up.

I watch from a distance

As you continue to move forward

Through the storms

Through the rocks thrown at you

Out of the holes you fall in

And the insecurities that have held you back.

I watch from a distance

But as I watch

I notice how much closer you are

To reaching that final point.

I watched and continue to watch.

Ghetto Gumbo

The fact that I've been told to take this more serious makes me curious

Delerious to that same fact, matter of fact

I really wish I could go back

To a time where a rhyme was something to do to pass the time

Instead of being the valve that releases so much steam

In the hopes it copes my self-esteem

Born son raised bastard

Hear my story on many a block

Young man slanging the rock, many are shot

Get a little bit of money, act funny, and get spotted

All of a sudden you're caught

And it's almost better if it's the DEA that gets you

Because if the streets catch you you're DOA, no rescue

God blessed you

With the ability to sell anything to anyone

But the Devil showed you how to turn it into funds

A gumbo pot of rocks, cash, hoes, and guns

 

Over a bed of lies

 

Who's ready for dinner time?

"Sending The Wrong Message"

Overwhelmed with sadness that is only overpowered by depression

A burning to find answers to deep-rooted questions that I can't muster to ask

So I smash the barriers built in my mind in the hopes that courage will spill into the valleys of my brain like rain water to a drain

But my mind has become an Mojave like desert of confusion, delusion and amusement that only allows me to laugh briefly until I quietly whimper.

A slow simmer of emotions stew into something so thick that a wrench seems to be the only viable solution to mix this disasterous soup.

Couped up and coupled with troubles and pains, I have found a cozy place to lay in this room that is dark and damp due to the tears shed over the years.

Maybe I'm throwing a pitty party where I am the only one with a cone-shaped hat

Without a cake or candle to blow out, but only enough fire to handle until I blow out all the gas that is being built up inside of me.

Why ask an addict how to overcome addiction? The same philosophy applies to me and why people choose to talk or confide in me...they can't see inside of me, only THAT side of me.

But what is causing me to construct this Berlin wall of defense?

Rebuild this wall at any attempts of crumbling, stumbling; mumbling to God like he understands my prayers.

Suggested that I take my pieces of poetry seriously to the point of publishing

What is not understood through that request is that by publishing my pain I am struggling,

And though it may be a cry out to help between me and the vessel I choose to write to

My pieces somehow ignite, encourage, or excite you

But might you

With a teaspoon of compassion

A pinch of sincerity

And a dash of understanding

Add that to the bowl of the fear that lays so deep and near to me

Blend it so that at some point I can drink this smoothie

Maybe I'll smoothly be able to understand me...