gutter dreams

Bills piling up
Need this money quick
Down to my last
Can't afford to even get sick
Another day away from work
Shit stresses me out
Gotta fill my tank
And put food in my mouth
Sister needs some money
How am I gonna work this out?
Because if her rent ain't paid
She's gonna get kicked out
Cellphone next week
Sallie Mae like everyday
Harassing my family
Even after they get paid
Lawyer fees
On top of legal fines
I'm so close to losing my mind
Got me thinking about buying that 9
And making someone's check mine
I'm on that red line
Close to the damn edge
I'm tired of living this ife
I gotta do anything for this bread...

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beginning to N...

She's claiming that she's ready
So many lies
Her heart won't hold steady
So she tries other guys
But that amounts to nothing
Give it the college try
Wishing that this will turn to something
Or blossom into what it's meant to
We'll see what happens after we end up doing nothing
What do you want me to give you?
A relationship hard to put in words
Feelings hard to describe
A passion pouring out
Unspoken bond
Sexuality we really can't hide
But outsiders notice it
We don't speak on it
But we know exactly what this is
Going all the way in
I'm giving you my all
I'm betting all my poker chips
Soft words of lust rolling off your lips
Slow winding from your hips
Holding on strong
But if I start to lose my grip
And my hands start to slip
Imma put you on
I'll put you in a bear hug
Feeling this rare love
How do I say it
If we're playing a game
How do I play it
I wanna express myself
But how do I say it?
I guess I gotta think it over
And get my thoughts together
Keep my composure
Emotions in check is best
And as much as I wanna be like "whatever"
This feeling is real
This beat similar to my heart's rhythm
I don't know I should feel
Can you tell me what is next
Probably not
It's just a guess
Man this shit is ill...

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"gang greed"

Some say it's not about the money
So what the hell are we doing here?
Because what was told to me
And made very clear
That if it don't make dollars
Then it don't make sense
Because when times get hard
And days get intense
I'm gonna need my money
I'm gonna need my chips
And if that makes me an asshole
Because I'm concerned about my cash flow
Well then I guess I'm an anus
And I'm dumpin on you punks
That's as real as it gets
Until the day I'm someone famous...

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empty pages filled

We all have dreams
Some of them shattered
We listen to opinions
And rarely do they matter
So we keep on striving
Looking for something better
Bringing umbrellas
In case there's rainy weather
That's why we cheer when the sun's out
And cry when it storms
Then pray that Jesus will come out
But if he never shows
At least then we'll know
That our prayers might have been heard
I guess there's some doubt
So we hold on to the words
Used in Bible
This life's about survival
So many people dead inside
This is your revival
I won't say resurrection
Don't want a misunderstanding
No misconceptions
Of exactly what it is that I'm saying
You can't lose if you're not playing
So your voice can't be heard
Until you start praying
Or until you start saying
What's ever on your mind
I've seemed to have lost mine
So this time is for me to look
I'm in a crunch for time
Hearts stolen like a crook
Lessons learned in my life
My experiences are a good book
If you don't believe me
Then I urge you to take a look
And read past the cover
A book like no other
I love my life
And life's a bitch
So that makes her my lover...

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"Lower Than Low"

Feeling all alone

How did I get in this hole

Cursed by painful memories that happened when I was 10 years old

Warmth from my brother as a lover

I can't shake that feeling; so cold

That used against me mainly to get a rise

Balling out my eyes

Cuts on my wrist

A relationship built on honesty and trust

Covered in infidelity and lies 

A love child that isn't mine

But I keep going back to you for some reason

At some point something happened in my mind

That trained me to believe that this is what was okay

That this is what I deserve

I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like

Because the one my parents had

Ended in their separation; forever hurt.

The times he would beat me

I thought it was a lesson he was trying to teach me

Calling me the crazy one

I felt like he was just trying to make his point

Trying to reach me

Now no one can reach me in this pit that I'm in

5 feet down and I'm holding a shovel

Dreams with you burned to ashes

A future with you shattered like those dreams

A love that I had with you felt like passion

But I confused that with my actual screams

Is this a hallucination I'm having

The voice I hear in my head is so familiar

But there's no way it could be

My voice of reasoning because he's no longer alive to see

What has happened to me all of a sudden

Started with so much, now I feel like I'm nothing

Wanting to take what life I have left

And use it to drink, smoke, and cut

Myself until that moment

When I take one last breath...

Dinner alone...

Even though you're gone
I still need to say
Why I did what I did
And why I acted that way
Feelings get lost
When you start to say
That we aren't working and that we should part ways
At a lost for words
My heart's turning cold
Trying to be strong
I'm trying to hold on
I just wish I could have said
This instead of this song
Now I'm talking to myself
Because you have moved on...

What am I missing
Between me and you?
What am I missing
Who do I turn to?
Now I'm eating alone
When it used to be for two
All of my nightmares
Are now coming true...

No one here now, I don't know what to do
My heart is so heavy
I don't think I can move
I know I told you lies
Instead of the truth
I guess I just feared
What it is that you'd do
Or the words that you'd say
The mean things you say you'd do
Wanted to call your bluff
Until the night you had to prove
That you were not bluffing
The things that you do
Now involve him
Because I'm no longer with you...

KR.MA

Should I feel bad when I'm just being honest

Taking part in something that honestly you started

I could say that a trip to this planet would be nice

But I guess I'm just being modest with that

Let me tell you what it's like

Often imagined the other side of your moons

And what it'd be like to be close enough to run my hands on each groove

Let me stop it before I take

To flight on my spaceship there just to escape

Though I've been invited it is a trip that'll have to wait

I just haven't had the desire or the time

But if I close my eyes and really give it a try

I can feel myself landing onto your surface

An unfamiliar feeling trapped inside of me

Will you have the pleasure of being pleasured by the other side of me

The confidence I keep intrigues you

Unless the sun you hold is just a lie to me

Questions you won't ask

Are similar to the ones I want to explore

Though the answers that you provide to me

Take care of that in one swoop

I'm wanting to learn more about this wonderful planet

Let me take a closer look.

"Sunday Stroll"

Am I losing those close to me

Or is this how it's supposed to be?

Because I'm striving for a time where people make a toast for me

A party that I can enjoy

They host for me

But right now there's no choice for me

But the voice in me

Let's me know that this yellow brick road

Is full of life experiences as long as I continue to stroll

And through each moment I begin to learn

Continue to grow

You already know

So it's something else I don't have to teach

No wasted words, so need for me to preach

In the hopes that these words reach

A broader audience than just friends

The same ones that I used to get in with

Seem like I'm separating myself from them

How am I supposed to feel this?

Or is this just a part of the process

I'll have to let you know when it's over

Because I'm not ready to stop yet

Incredible Women

Did I let a good one go? No

I let a great one fly

All I did was teach her direction

And pointed upwards to the sky

Told her that right there is her limit

And as soon as she gets that high

To go a little higher

She could get there if she tried.

Did I leave a good one hurt? No

I taught a great one pain

And expressed my emotions

And told her we're not the same

Told her that there's someone for her

Who won't treat her the same

But will treat her the way she deserves

The only difference, is he won't have my name.

Did I leave a good one lost? No

I let a great one find her way

Explained to her I can't hold her hand

And that today will be like so many days

That you may not understand

And though I can't stay

I am confident in knowing you'll be able to find your way.

Did I leave a good one with no answer? No
I let a great one think it out
Because though we would never fight
There was so much for us to talk about
Body language spoken loudly
But words coming few and far between
I knew she'd be okay
I just focused on getting her to believe.

Did I lie to a good one? No

I kept it real with one that's great

Told her that as much as I'm interested in her

I'm not the one she should date

Between the gap of age and experience

There's a reason we should wait

So don't let your love for me be distorted

By all of your spiteful hate.

Did I leave a good one confused? No
I helped a great one use her smarts
That underneath that ditsy personality
Is someone with a great heart
Great at getting "A's"
But with the streets not so smart
But she believes in her abilities
And that right there is a start.

Do I often run into good women? Yes

But I build relationships with the ones that are great

It's a combination of personality

Timing and morals

That allow me to state

That there was love there at some point

There just isn't that now

But all of you women are incredible

I just apologize for telling you now...

lord hear my cries

I'm ready to give up
I'm about one more step away from throwing it all away
Pride I keep throwing up
As I try to swallow that pill time and time again.
Facing jail time for lack of hours served
Mom's fiance getting on my nerves
Making just enough money for gas to get to work
Sallie Mae blowing up my phone asking for their money
And I don't wanna be on this earth...
Thought about robbing a bank real quick
Selling weed in the hopes I can make a quick flip
But I have a college degree so I shouldn't have to be on that shit!
Resume sent more times than called back
Wondering where all the jobs are at
I enjoy what I'm doing but I get no hours so part of me is screaming what's the point?
I make no money to pay these bills
The possibility of jail time is getting too real
And right now the only thing I feel
Is nothing at all...
Something's gotta give
I'm feeling dead while I'm forced to try to live
All I've done to this world was give give give
In the hopes it returns the favor and I'm still waiting.
I'm supposed to be known
I'm not supposed to live at my parents home
I'm supposed to be doing something great with my life
Not fuckin writing poems on my phone at 1AM.
I don't know how much more I can take
I'm just about ready to break
So Lord if you're listening, I beg of you to help me
I'm lost looking for a way to escape..

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limes

I can feel my grip loosening
And the thoughts in my mind resurfacing
Tiny voices whispering
All the things I knew would come true
Yet didn't want to believe
Burying my eyes behind my hands because I didn't want to see
Something so plain and clear
Pilot let out the landing gear
Because this mile high ride has reached it's destination
And the runway is all clear.
Not annoyed more complacent
Not totally sure what it was I was chasing
I was somewhat aware of what I was making
But not quite prepared for what I was facing.
A fork in the road though
Covered by snow so I won't go
The wrong or right direction
But it sounds like the final notes so let the song flow.
Violins over the piano keys
Love playing alongside humanity
In a moment of being human I found myself a casualty
In this cold war.
No missiles launched or guns fired
So why did I hold this much higher
That I probably should have and as a result
I'm just so tired.
Fatigued and breathless
Empty and restless
This is either the end of the beginning
Or maybe the beginning of the best yet...

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Then She Cheats

How could you sleep

Around with him

Anyone else

Not a mutual friend

Not really sad

More like I'm pissed

I was a room over, I could hear the shit

I feel a little dumb

This shit is unreal

The only words in my mind I'm thinking, "just kill"

The pain runs deep in my veins still, it gives chill

It's getting hard to swallow this one pill

Imagine how'd I feel?

Don't know if you can

You can't understand

What it was like for me

To hear you fuckin' another man

Honestly I'm handling this shit the best way that I can

But I'm starting to lose my mind

I don't know who I am

And every time I try

To look for me I find

A person who is hurting

A part of me has died

When I sit in silence it's broken when I start to cry

The only question I have for you is, "Why?"

2:45 AM

Am I there yet
Do I care yet
Am I scared yet
Do I appreciate your stares?
Check
Off of my list of nonsense
The only way I could possibly top this
Would be if I were to have some kinda force come and  stop this
Then I die and come back alive
Then describe how the afterlife is
So I guess I gotta try this
New approach to life where I do the least
In preparation for me to do the most
In the hopes the number of haters I have increase
A caged animal has been sleeping silently
Who wants the beast?
Mean streets burned up the insides of me
For years man I tried to be
A good person
Like the good side has been hiding the bad side of me
I try to see
The good in everything
And all that brings is assholes who really don't care to see
Nothing other than their own reality
This feels like a trial to me
And I'm representing myself in court
Trying to hold on to the good while I'm flying off course
I feel I don't really have a choice nor a voice
At least with the tone that I'm using
Looking at my life right now wondering what am I doing
Being too nice to the night
You know what screw it...

crumbled cookies

A blind man reaches for what his eyes can't see
The deaf man feels for what his ears can't hear
The tall man reaches where the short man can't
and a living man spews a dead man's rant.
The man with no legs climbs up limb after limb
As the man with no arms runs after him
The man with no brain makes foolish remarks
Yet remains sympathetic for the man with no heart.
He feels no pain yet knows of no love
As pale as a ghost as his body lacks blood
Dieing for belonging, something with meaning
He knows something's missing, though he lacks feeling.
He wishs he were blind, short with no arms
No legs for him to use and his hearing all gone
Short with no brain, for all of those he'd be willing
To at least have a heart
So he could feel this terrible feeling.

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"The Flu"

To the sickness I loathe, can't stand, and despise
That has kept me from sleeping, for three of these nights
That has made my muscles ache
Almost in tears
I haven't felt this sick from you
In so many years
I can't stop coughing, sneezing, or fussing
I just keep on taking pills, cough drops, and some cussing.
I feel like you're on your exit
But you don't wanna leave
So imma keep taking these meds
Until you get the hell away from me.
My nose won't stop running
As I continue to sneeze
Hoping that every blown nose
Is the last blow for what just won't leave...

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the ref

I should apologize for these thoughts I've thought
Wondering if you're achievements are really just fluff
Softened by celebrity named pillows
Vacation spots and egos
Ideas soaring like eagles
Lost in your life wondering if we're even equals...
But oh so close we are, you and I
The man you hope for for me died
You talk to me as if he were I or vice versa better yet
Lost all kinds of connection and respect to him
Upset about your neglect from him
You push me away because you won't let him in
You settle for moral victories because life taught you "forget the win"
So many foul moment but you see only the ref in him
I had to talk DOWN to my dad before I could let him in
He had to be diagnosed with Cancer before my heart could get to him
I know you've lost in the past with men
But with this one bet
But this time, bet to win.

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collection pl8

Led in by the organ and the sounds of the bells
That act as elevator music away from Hell
A room full of winners sit amongst a room full of sinners
Looking to make a change but given cold glares like the winter season
Believing what a man who claims to be holier than thou is reading
I'm believing what I feel in my heart
That my God will shine through the dark
And that your building is not going to be that spark, a fresh start
Separated sometimes it feels like
I questioned God even though it didn't feel right
But my Yai said she also did it too
Which in my mind only helped to prove that answers needed to be given
I don't question your judgement Lord
But please just explain your decision
Because a man who was baptized before his death was given too short of a living
And for all the times I cursed you I apologize and I hope I'm forgiven
But this book that has been written
That is separating people with every new explanation or description
Is getting bland
So, so, so you think you can
Come back to earth and explain your meaning
Because the wolves are dressing themselves up and trying to go after the sheep
I can't believe what I'm seeing
Yet I'm asked to take the risk of coming back every weekend

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Waves

Overwhelmed by thoughts so deep they could be put into an ocean

Of waves of shallow beliefs that leave me broken

As they wash up on shore.

More and more I demand yet as this plan unravels

I understand what it is that I can and can not handle.

Dismantle the empire of what I hold so sacred

Naked as I walk around fully clothed

Trying my best to escape the harsh wind that pierces through my bones

And down to my soul.

A moment of clarity is needed as this fog rolls in occasionally

With the hope that the sun comes waiting in the back of my mind

Define myself by my work ethic and grind

As I strive to survive this battle that has been going on since the age of 13

This constant feeling of hurting isn't for certain

But it's hurting as it causes an unreal pain

I remain intact

As I swim through the motions and prepare myself to react to what comes

Waves of emotions crashing up on shore

More and more of these waves will come...

K33p Going

Called gorgeous is forcing my mind
To believe these lies from the opposite sex
Tug of war where I'm the flag in the middle of the rope
Not realizing that I'm the one who's giving my sister hope
That love isn't a joke; it can happen
But I contradict my words with my actions
I'm acting like I'm not falling now
Falling out after watching the tears from my sister's eyes falling down
Round after round she fights
Trying to find a combination just right that'll unlock her heart
And I'm supposed to show her how it starts
But I've managed to damage the bridge that put my dick and heart a part
Because lust isn't love
Loving someone for who they are is the greatest form lust
We all lack trust
Because no one wants to be hurt
But it's when you believe that it can't get any worse that you dive in
Lost now so you gotta try again
Don't let lost lust be the reason you don't try for love again...

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My Style of Storytellin (1)

Never been one to go to the best one/ more or less end up with the next one/ bored so I need to get with a fresh one/ but this last girlfriend was an exception/ lost in love so I lost my perception/ no direction unless led by an erection/ out here vulnerable with no protection/ lies and deception so they played detective/ mainly because at some point they felt neglected/ maybe not loved but respected/ check it..


I can honestly say/ that out of the four past relationships I've been in/ lust at some point has pulled me away/ but the love for the one that I was with/ made me remember my reasons to stay with the chick/ regardless if in my mind I felt she was a bitch/ telling myself over and over again/ "how bad could it get?"/ then I stopped playing pretend/ left the girlfriend for the one on the side/ and every bit of me except for the 6 inches of me felt that it wasn't right/ closing my eyes visualizing myself drowning in a pool full of lies/ time to realize...


It all started off with this girl Whitney who went to Skyline/ half Black and Puerto Rican so you know her body was right/ lived in Issaquah so her parent's paper was right/ a little ditzy so there was a little flicker to her light, not so bright/ but what I can say was that the fighting was light/ everything about us seemed to be cool and tight/ but I had no L's and no whip/ so she would have to drive to the Southend via I-90, a long trip/ I remember the time, me and my bestfriend went to Skyline to visit her and her friends at lunch/ kids in the halls thinking we're looking for some kid to punch/ but I'm getting sidetracked with the story I'm trying to tell/ and even though on the surface everything seemed so swell/ the water started drying up at the bottom of the well/ I met this girl at my school who played soccer and was a hooper as well/ a young freshman named Madeline from Queen Anne/ heard she was feeling me, at the time something I could understand/ so we hung out a couple times/ talk when we can/ that's when I found myself being treated like her man/ all of a sudden something short seemed to stretch over a longer time span/ that's when I got a phone call that had me like/ damn...


So I'm with Madeline when I get a call from Kellen/ talking about I need to listen to the shit Jesse Armstead is tellin/ now Jesse is bestfriends with my girlfriend/ then she says she has a boyfriend, that isn't me/ man, I don't understand this is whirlwind/ of lies, emotions, and confusion/ says that Whitney had him over to meet the family but I can't really be mad because look what it is I'm doin/ because my girl doesn't know that Madeline is something I'm pursuing/ I guess this relationship with me and Whitney is ruined/ transition/ so now that I have no girlfriend I kind of mention/ to Madeline that she could be the piece that's missin/ that's when things start getting kinda serious/ and at the time she was a virgin so I'm curious/ if she'll let me be the one but I'm fearing this/ is too soon between break ups/ no time for me to analyze the relationship before I take up/ a brand new woman/ what the hell am I doin...


Attracted by those beautiful blue eyes/ toned ass and thighs/ in my eyes I looked at Madeline as a prize/ but at the time it wasn't that cool that another white girl took another black guy/ but all my homeboys understood/ she felt comfortable coming to my crib, staying late in the hood/ gain creditbility so everything was all good/ I wasn't her first she tells me but it's still all good/ because honestly it doesn't matter that much/ warmed by the softness of her touch/ feeling like everything is good and I can't get enough, that's when things got rough/ insecurities is something that my last relationship didn't have/ I have a lot of homegirls and that would make Madeline mad/ then I would flirt without knowing it/ having to convince her she was the only girl that was keeping me glad, was driving mad/ accusations left and right, up and down/ rumors being made from people that don't even know me so what can I do?/ someones' little sister says I made out with her sister, how in the hell is that true?/ just tell me what I gotta do to convince you somehow/ that I'm not the person you keep hearing about?


Being accused of crimes started weighing on me/ I got sick and tired of people hatin on me/ like I'm cold as ice and people are skating on/ the happiness that I had with Madeline people are taking from me, now this is taking on/ a brand new shape, I need a brand new escape/ pissed off one night real late/ one of my sisters' friends is over and apparently she thinks I'm great/ well I can't say the same because honestly I considered her very plain/ but this would happen all the time until my sister would say/ "If you're coming to see him don't lie to me saying you wanna come over and stay"/ that would lead to a particular day/ up at my high school when this pretty young thing came my way/ I mistook her for a girl who's name started with an A/ then I found out her last name was actually Dang/ something about this girl intrigued greatly/ wondering so much about her, mainly why is it that she's acting like she hates me/ but she's giving me the time of day/ she knows who I am so I had to ask her name/ she said it was Stacey...


TO BE CONTINUED...